6 Steps to Stop People Pleasing and Start Doing You

Looking back on my life, I came to realise that I spent quite a large amount of my precious time TRYING. Trying to be perfect. Trying to be appreciated and liked by everyone else around me. Trying to fit in with different groups of people so that I could feel accepted and approved of.

I can recall many situations in my life when I did things I didn’t really want to do, to comfort or please others. I was a master of people-pleasing and, to be honest, it wasn’t always because I wanted to make everyone happy.

The truth is that I wanted people to like me. I expected them to give me the things I wasn’t giving myself: love, care, and attention.

People-pleasing is an unhealthy behaviour, a clear sign of low self-esteem. It is dis-empowering, inauthentic, and extremely time and energy-consuming. Once I realized this, I knew I wanted to change, and I searched for way’s to help me stop. Today I would like to share some steps that helped me on the road to recovery, you see today I am a recovering people-pleaser and proud of myself. So this is to all my fellow people-pleasers out there, if I could make changes then so can you.

Following below, are six simple practices that can help you stop being a people-pleaser.

Remember, the only person you should want to please is you. 

Okay, to say “No”?!

According to Dr Susan Newman, people pleasers want everyone around them to be happy. And they will do whatever it takes to keep them that way. They put everyone else before themselves. Dr Newman said, “for some, saying ‘yes’ is a habit.” For others it’s almost an addiction, it makes them feel like they need to be needed. This makes them feel important like they are contributing to someone else’s life. So here is what you can do to start saying “no” to others and say “yes” to yourself:

6 Ways to Stop Pleasing

#1 Internal Validation:

Most people-pleasers are desperate for validation and appreciation. They want to feel needed, so they become over-the-top helpful and say “yes” to everyone. This builds their confidence purely based on external forces. The approval of others and not internal forces. You should learn to rely on internal validation, not external.

If you feel like you're wearing a mask when among people, you need to know it’s okay to be you. Your perfect imperfections make you perfectly unique. Be your own kind of beautiful. Stay true to your feelings, opinions, thoughts, and emotions. Live your own life, with no apologies and no regrets. The best way to fight people-pleasing is to build up what makes you feel good. If you feel good, you don’t need others to make you feel good.

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” ~ Brene Brown

#2 Start with Small No’s:

It’s hard to go cold turkey on pleasing people, so start with small no’s. Often cases, you’ll find it extremely difficult to say no only because you don’t know how to express yourself with clarity and confidence, fearing you could sound aggressive or impolite. You can learn to say no with grace, without offending anyone.

Here are some simple formulas that always work well:

• It doesn’t work for me right now.

• I’m not able to make it this Sunday/this week/month/year.

• I’ve got too much on my plate right now.

• Thank you for thinking of me, I’m sorry I can’t at this time.

• It’s too bad I’m busy, but please let me know how it turns out.

• Perhaps another time, let me know what next week looks like for you.

• No thank you, but it sounds lovely.

“When you say Yes to others, make sure you are not saying No to yourself.” ~ Paulo Coelho

#3 Give Yourself Time:

It is extremely hard to say no to someone else’s personal request; it’s even harder when you are a people- pleaser. So, when a friend asks you to come shopping with her, you default to “sure”. Or when a colleague asks you to be a part of their project, you’ll say “okay,” but then immediately you regret it. Then you are angry at them and at yourself for saying yes. The following piece of advice helped me tremendously. Don’t give an answer immediately. Make a rule that if someone asks you for something, your default answer is, “Let me get back to you.” You can say that you have to check your schedule, your to-do list or your spouse. Do whatever you need to do to buy yourself some time, then you will have some space to think about it and respond on e-mail or text with a polite “no”. This is so much easier than doing it in person and gives you time to make the right choice. Remember: the right answer, “Let me get back to you” is always best.

“When I seek your approval, I don’t approve of the “me” that’s seeking the approval.” ~ Byron Katie 

#4 Know Your Goals:

It’s much easier to say no to other people’s lives when you know what you are saying yes to in your life. Once a week sit down and re-evaluate your long-term goals and short-term goals for the week. You want to know what you are doing this week that gets you closer to where you want to be in 5 years. When you have this clear in your head, it’s much easier to say no to a request because you have to make time for your goals right now.

So, here is the questions for you:

• Where do you want to be in 5 years time?

• Is what you are doing right now geared to the advancement of your goals?

These answers will make it easier for you to focus on you and easier to stay true to yourself.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

#5 Get Rid of Toxic People:

As you have been reading this article, is there one specific person you have been thinking of? You might have a toxic person in your life who is constantly asking you for things that you are sucked into. If you have a toxic person, please get them out! Saying no to toxic people doesn’t mean you dislike or reject the other person. You say yes to the person and no to the task. In reality, you should know you can’t disappoint anyone. People disappoint themselves with the expectations they set for whom they want you to be and what they expect you to do. It’s always their story. If they truly love you, they would understand.

We teach people how to treat us by deciding what we will and won’t accept. You have to cease letting anyone take advantage of you. You are not a doormat. It is not your responsibility to entertain other people and make them happy. Whenever you do offer people time, you give them a piece of your life.

“If you spend your life pleasing others, you spend your life.” ~Cheryl Richardson

#6 Stop Apologising:

When you say no, say it with meaning. Don’t apologise because you have to prioritise. Don’t feel bad that you have something to take care of. You are standing up for you; and remember, if you don’t stand up for you, no one else will. Make yourself a priority in your own life. Engage in activities that bring you joy. Do more things for your heart and soul. This way, you create happiness from the inside out instead of chasing it through other people.

And pay attention to your self-talk. Eliminated dis-empowering words or thoughts from your repertoire: “I am stupid,” “I am too fat,” “I’m a failure,” “I’m not good enough.”

Treat yourself with the same dignity and respect as you would a loved one. Talk to yourself kindly. Don’t call yourself names and acknowledge yourself for your achievements, for your willingness to learn and grow. And never apologise for wanting better for yourself.

“It’s not your job to like me; it’s mine.” ~ Byron Katie

And finally, I want to share this fun bonus with you regarding people-pleasing. We don’t always have to see everything in a negative light, sometimes laughing at yourself is the best way to see a struggle in a new light. We were given permission by the incredible Sarah Cooper from The Cooper Review to share her hysterical cartoons about people-pleasing (see below).

Bonus: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Pleasing People

#1 Always seem happy with everything:

Never show negative emotions. Make sure there’s always a smile on your face. This will make people feel good as if you’re totally fine with everything all the time. They’ll love being around you even if you sometimes feel really uncomfortable.

#2 Never end a phone call:

When talking on the phone, never be the first to say you have to go. Wait for the other person to say she has to go before saying goodbye. This gets tricky with telemarketers sometimes, but remember, you need them to like you, too.

#3 Never say what you want:

If someone asks you what you want to do, ask him what he wants to do. Never be the first to offer up a suggestion. This way you avoid disagreeing with anyone as well as any real enjoyment in your life.

#4 Offer to do things you don’t want to do:

If there’s something you know your friend would like, offer to do it for him, even if you have no intention of doing it or don’t even know how to do it. Ultimately, this will piss him off, but in the moment, it will feel like you really made him happy.

#5 Get so used to going along with other people that you don’t even know who you are anymore:

Always go along with the group even if the group wants to do something you hate. Get so used to saying yes to everything that you forget your own likes and dislikes. Your suffering is the key to fitting in anywhere you want to go.

#6 Don’t ask for anything:

Never come right out and ask anyone for anything. Always give them several ways of saying no, if you even end up asking them at all. People will appreciate how much you don’t need anyone and you’re fine being all by yourself and God why are you so alone.

#7 Always leave without saying goodbye:

The Irish exit is your friend. It means you don’t have to admit to anyone that you don’t really want to be there anymore. The last they’ll remember of you is what a great time you were having, and none will be the wiser.

Sarah Cooper is a writer, comedian, creator of TheCooperReview.com 

I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did. And remember, when we have a harmonic relationship with ourselves, we no longer look to other people to fill holes in our self-esteem. We need people but we aren’t emotionally needy. There’s a big difference between the two.

“You can never feel lonely when you like the person you’re alone with.“ ~Wayne Dyer

Cheers

Tania

XOXO