Narcissism - The good, the bad and the ugly.

I want to start by telling you a short story.

There once was a 17 year old girl who met a 19 year old boy, and she quickly realised that she had met her best-friend and future husband. This was her soulmate and she felt like the luckiest girl in the world, they were so in love. How could it be possible that he chose her? It was destined. But little did she know, a storm had started brewing,(rose tinted glasses and all made seeing difficult.)

Within the first three months of dating he broke up with her eight times for no other reason than he wasn’t ready for a relationship. The first time it happened he had dropped her off at home after they had spent an amazing day together. Once he was home, he phoned her up to say, “It was over and he didn’t want to see her anymore”. The girl was devastated, she had no idea what was happening, or why? She was so confused, nothing made sense. She cried for three hours until the phone rang again and it was the boy. He had changed his mind, he did want her, and he was just being stupid by letting her go. The girl, in her sorrowful state was so relieved that he came to his senses, she forgave him immediately. Making the excuse for him that he was just scared and confused. What she didn’t realise then was that she was setting the stage for a wild ride, that a life long game playing had begun!

Fast forward 30 years, at the age of 47, she finally had had enough and took of her wedding rings and literally threw them away into some bushes. That was the night she realised he was never really going to love, or respect her. She wasn’t sad or angry, she just knew it was over and that she would not continue one second longer. A sort of relief fell over her, all the years of trying to please him was over. She was never going to get any validation or acknowledgement from him. The fact that she was a good wife and mother didn’t matter at all. She knew then that she didn’t need anything from him anymore, the ride was over. She was never the problem, he was. It was time for her to love and respect herself. She walked away and never looked back.

You see this girl had just spent the most part of her adult life living with a narcissist, she never knew this or ever stood a chance. The ride was pretty wild, no lies about that.

Narcissism destroys lives.

I want to dedicate this newsletter to survivors, who has dealt with or are still dealing with a narcissist in their lives. You see I have some first hand experience in this field, that girl in the story, if you haven’t guessed, was me. This story is so similar to many others and there is so much more that can be said about the life with a narcissist, but it is pointless. The work has to be done on yourself, the scars will run deep, some might never fully heal. But I am happy to say you do heal. I am happy most of the time now. I’m grateful to have two of the most supportive kids anyone could wish for, whom I respect and love more than anything in the world and know for a fact, that the feeling is mutual.

But this is not about me, it is about understanding what we have to deal with when dealing with these toxic people. The aim is to help other people, maybe not make the same mistakes, and give them some advice and tools on how to deal with the toxic people in their lives. I don’t profess to be an expert on narcissism, I am not a psychologist, I am merely relaying information that I have come across in my own research and healing process. I certainly don’t have all the answers. The things I discovered scared the life out of me, there is so much that nobody ever teaches us about this topic.

Through my research and talking about what I have learned, I have met so many people asking questions, needing help. So with this newsletter I am hoping to shed some light on this topic.

I have to tell you, the only good thing about a narcissist is leaving them. If you don’t you will be on the receiving end of the bad and the extremely ugly.

Narcissist, Sociopath, or Psychopath.

How to recognize the distinctions.

As you begin to try and understand narcissism, you will begin to see you are dealing with somebody who is not at all healthy. Narcissists are troubled souls, they are underdeveloped in their empathy and in the way they interact with people. They haven’t figured out that the world doesn’t revolve around them. When dealing with them there might be other traits that stick their necks out and you might even start thinking, am I dealing with a sociopath or perhaps even a psychopath?

It is good for us to know what that is all about, the better we understand, the better we can plan. A somewhat easier way to help us understand the difference between the three is by giving each one a sub-heading:

Narcissism - Dismissive

Sociopath - Schemer

Psychopath - Predator

Narcissist - Dismissive

• They have a high need for control, and they have a very low level of empathy.

• They are exploitative and display manipulative behaviour when dealing with people, they must always be in charge.

• They have a need for superiority, they tend to have an alternate view of reality, they can rationalize anything and everything.

• The narcissist over-value themselves, and predictably then undervalues others.You are just a pawn, a player on their stage.

• Your worth and your value is not something they put much thought into, other than how they can use you.

• They have a sense of entitlement, the things they need are more important with a total disregard for your needs. They always have to be right, which in turn always makes you wrong.

• They have a strong critical mindset, and in their criticism, there has to be someone who has to take the brunt of their annoyance, impatience and irritability.

• The narcissist concludes, “I’m really glad to be me” and “I’d hate to be you”

• It is impossible to form any deep and meaningful relationships with these people, they feel very little remorse or guilt.

• They operate with the presumption that you are beneath them, where you only exist to be exploited and to serve a specific pre-ordained function. They have no regard for whatever you might want or need.

• There is little to no honesty. What you’re seeing isn’t necessarily at all what you are getting because you’re most likely dealing with nothing but smoke and mirrors.

• The common theme is that if you stick with them long enough, you will be harmed because they lack a sense of regard for your well-being and any plea from your side fall on deaf ears.

This is where you need to go back to the basics and ask, “Is this really what I want”. It’s always fascinating how we see people drawn to that bad boy or that wild girl mentality. We tend to glamorise the people that get away with breaking the law and defying the status quo. Movies tend to glamorise the badass, the rule breakers. Is that really what we as a society want to aspire to. We need to realise behind the scenes there is a lot of damage and hurt that goes along with that behaviour. Speak to any survivor, and you will hear a different story. They hurt you, they damage your self-worth, and they destroy your happiness and joy.

So as you start to understand, looking at what these people are capable of and what their tendencies are, I am hoping you can see that there is a better alternative. I am hoping you will gain something from this. Knowledge is the only way to survive an encounter with these types of toxic people.

The next thing I want to share is the difficulty in co-parenting with a narcissist after a divorce. Co-parenting is difficult at best when both parties are healthy people, but co-parenting with a narcissistic ex, is a completely different thing. You have to remember this person will always be your child’s other parent. It is important that you not to talk bad about them to the kids, (something that might be hard at times.) But with all my research, I have come to realise we have to be delicate in how we handle this co-parenting situation.

Co-parenting with a Narcissistic ex.

The difficulties between parents:

• Under no circumstances let the child be used as a weapon, believe me they will try this. You are going to have to be the saner parent.

• Be prepared for a lot of criticism, even if you are doing the best job. The narcissistic ex will speak poorly of you to the child. They will ask the child a lot of questions in a very toxic way, they don’t care to have a toxic relationship with the child.

• Narcissists will have a low level of cooperation in parenting, refusing to reciprocate favours, know this.

Things to do that is necessary for the child’s well-being.

• Counseling could be helpful for both you and your child, counselling can create a safe space, it could also include support groups.

• You as the healthy parent will do things well with the child. The narcissistic parent will turn into a critic to gain the upper hand over you.

• Whatever you do, don’t bad mouth the narcissistic parent, criticising each other only hurts the child. The child does get some of his identity from the narcissistic parent, so if you bad mouth the parent you bad mouth the child. The child could receive that criticism personally, he might feel the criticism applies to him as well, thereby damaging his self-worth. You may be tempted to retaliate with criticism when you are on the receiving end, but don’t you need to stay the responsible parent, your child needs that.

• The child should not be involved in setting schedules. Rather use written communication between the adults. Verbal agreements with a narcissist are not reliable. It is safer to have some kind of record. Verbal agreements can become an opportunity for the narcissist to manipulate the child. He will make you look like the bad guy. If the child relays messages from them, tell the child to tell the narcissistic parent to contact you directly. That way you keep the child out of this, it is a matter for adults to decide. You may do this via email or texts.

• You might need legal action against the narcissistic parent due to parental alienation.

• Bargaining with the narcissistic parent doesn’t work, never.

• When you are being a good parent don’t expect them to see or say it. They will criticize every thing you do. You must stand your ground when they push back and don’t buckle. Do your best. You need to be the standard bearer for decency, the example to your child, that is all that matters.

• When the child expresses criticism they hear from the other side, just respond by telling the child that sometimes people can look at things differently and that, that’s okay. Deflect the ex’s complaints without being harsh. You will have to learn to have a thicker skin.

• Always let your child know you love them unconditionally and that your home is a safe space to show emotions.

• A good idea is to have a reset time after visiting the narcissistic parent. The child will pick up on behaviours. You shouldn’t tolerate disrespect or bad behaviour from your child but be more understanding and use the reset time to get them back to a healthier space. Be as transparent about your love for your child as possible and that you respect their needs.

Lastly, remember you are courageous and brave, you left the narcissist, you owe yourself a pat on the back. You are going to be okay and so will your child. Kids grow up and they know where they felt safe and respected. Narcissists don’t change. At times it will be hard and you will doubt your parenting skills, that is normal.

I hope this might be helpful to some of you, this topic is infinite. The biggest thing I have learned is the fact that most narcissists are created by often well-meaning parents during the child’s formative years. For this reason, it has become one of my main drivers to educate parents. In order to change this we have to be aware of how we raise our children. Knowing what to do the right way is crucial.

One child, one parent, one teacher, can change the world. Education is the only solution. Education First.

I have now created workshops for young parents where I am hoping to shed light on what to do to avoid raising narcissistic children. Children are after all our future.

Please feel free to contact me anytime or we can continue the discussion here. If there is anything you might want to add or ask or you would like to do a parenting workshop, let me know.

I have survived this, I am stronger today and so will you be, the choice is your’s ultimately. We’re in this together.

All my love.

- Tania