Why Men Stand Side-by-Side and Women Face-to-Face and Why It Matters.
The secret science of posture and position between the sexes. What does posture and position have to do with communication you might think? It has to do with how we hold, carry, and orient our bodies during conversations and it conveys a myriad of nonverbal messages. Psychiatry professor Albert Scheflin believes that when people carry out mutual activities, such as conversing, they place their bodies in different postures and positions when sitting or standing together, and it has significant meanings.
Here are his categories:
The Vis-à-Vis Frame. When two people come together, they greet and address each other in a face-to-face position. They will adjust the distance between themselves according to their cultural traditions, their level of intimacy, their prior relationship, their business together, and the available physical space and circumstance. The vis-à-vis frame is a prerequisite for making eye contact.
The Side-by-Side Frame. Often, this is a communication choice, especially among men. It prevents eye contact. However, sometimes unrelated people assume a side-by-side position by accident or because of the physical nature of their circumstances. They happen to be walking in the same direction or they sit down at the same board room table next to each other. In this case, they may have no other relation to each other.
The Terminal Marker. People indicate that they have finished their activity in a group by discontinuing their postural position. They step back, look down and away, turn out from each other and then go on to other things. (In nonverbal communication, we also call this “leave-taking behaviour.”)
During nonverbal communication we call this strategy shoulder orientation. Interestingly, men and women differ in this area—they have completely different shoulder orientations when communicating. When women talk with other women, as well as men, they orient themselves toward the other and tend to use the vis-à-vis frame, maintaining eye contact. Women also display more engaging behaviours than men, such as leaning forward, nodding the head, smiling, and touching.
Why do women stand face-to-face? There are many possible reasons:
The vis-à-vis frame allows women to get a read on the face, and because they have a full view, they get more information.
It enhances and encourages more eye contact, which creates more bonding and connection. It keeps people focused on each other.
It creates a gate-keeping function: When someone is standing directly in front of you, it is easier to keep him or her engaged. You are more connected in the interaction. (The side-by-side position opens the door to outside stimuli and people, allowing for interruptions.)
It signals that they are listening. This is also indicating the importance of being heard.
It helps women read emotions, convey their own feelings more directly, and maintain the social connection.
In contrast, men are more apt to stand side-by-side when they speak. They don’t look at each other, use more signals of power, and are less immediate in conversations with other men.
Why do men favour the side-by-side approach? Again, there are several possible explanations:
Direct eye contact can be construed as challenging among men; a face-to-face frame is a more competitive posture and stance.
The side-by-side frame increases men’s comfort level and eliminates the feeling of competition.
Men are not as interested in looking at the face or maintaining eye contact. They are a lot less concerned with emotions. It is not always a high priority for them to be able to read the other person; therefore they do not take a direct body posture.
A person in a dominant position—a male, in this scenario—usually makes less eye contact than a subordinate.
Sociologist Harry Brod surmises that the side-by-side shoulder orientation is a way for men to seek intimacy. “Numerous studies have established that men are more likely to define emotional closeness as working or playing side-by-side, while women often view it as talking face-to-face. Men, for example, derive intimacy from playing and watching sports.”
However, the side-by-side position can have negative consequences on communication. It makes it difficult for one to scrutinize the other person’s face for emotion-laden micro-expressions. This is true for women as well as for men.
Imagine this scenario: Three friends are out for lunch. Nicky, seated next to Joan, can’t see her face. Debbie faces both of them. After lunch, Debbie pulls Nicky aside. “Boy, Joan was pretty upset about what’s happening at school with her kids,” she says.
“I didn’t get that,” Nicky replies.
“Well, you should have seen her face!”
Whose style is adopted when men and women talk to each other? We would like to suggest a bit of both, gender-bending if you will. “A woman should probably adopt at least one nonverbal, side-by-side activity to build trust and emotional connection, whereas men could improve communication and connection if they engaged more in face-to-face talk and active listening.
It makes room for more authentic communication if we better understand the different communication styles of both men and women and that way we can meet each other half way.
If you need more information on nonverbal behaviour and how it impacts our lives every single day, don’t hesitate to get in contact with us, we would love to share.